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Azubuike Obi | Welcome to a New Dispensation

   Sista mi, how you naw? It has been long o sista. Ahh e don actually tey since we talk last o. I believe the marriage been taking so much of your time, but you for dey ask of person naw. Na so the love sweet you reach? Me too I don almost get my own away hubby o. Make me sef follow write “Welcome to a New Dispensation.” E don too do me for body. I am sha writing to tell you how my man finding mission went. I no fit call that una side, you sabi as these networks dey take charge. But no wori, me sef go soon start wazap.

    Sista mi, I go that Afia Olu for village this year. I say I will helping broda for that him shop. By helping, you sabi naa, you be OG naa. I do as you tell me. I go during the Afia Olu instead of Christmas, so the choices go dey limited to people wey don ready, as me sef ready. Anyhow anyhow, me I want make e be say by December, marriage and visa talk go don dey enter. Mumsi don dey even start that talk with me, she don dey give me one kain eye. If I no quick now, e no go tey I go join Aunty Chikamso them, dey go mountain.

    Sista mi, this year people pack oo. Everywhere just full anyhow, person go even shock say no be Christmas. I been come back like two days before the main main Afia Olu, before mmonwu go full everywhere, person no go fit pass. I stand say shuu, wetin dey happen? I just know say this one na my year. Ahh, e must be o, me sef I don try. Person don dey push twenty-nine, hubby neva come. As I set finish. Front dey, back full everywhere. My mates dem don dey push out three to four pikin naa. Even that lekpa Akunne don dey her own husband house. I say me, I go find them come o. Make I no come join ’30+’ ring neva dey hand.

    Sista mi, the first set of people wey me I notice, na those ones wey dey work small small for here still dey try process their own paper. I remember say you been talk say make I no look their way if dem neva dey away, but sista mi, me I no wan dey discriminate. I believe say, e fit take one way wey person no think take happen. These ones they don’t liking wahala but dem sabi talk ehhn, no be small. Na so so talk full their mouth. Wetin dey vex me pass be say, them dey like make them dey use their own calculator calculate them bill, as e be like that, person no fit add small something take hol body. Me, I dey try add small small something here and there, at least if hubby no come, make I get small change wey I fit take see road.

   Sista mi, everybody sabi gee boys and this one wey I wan talk, you know, me too, I know am. Them get money die. No be anyhow money o, money wey dem dey spend, I dey tell you o. E dey normally do me like say them sabi say I dey add money for dem bill, but they no too send. Me, I know fit marry those ones, but if na money I dey get for their hand, e do me, make person no carry my akaraka joor. Another thing be say them dey come with them family sometimes and me I dey like dey on my best behaviour. You sabi as family members take dey recommend person for marriage naa. No be so Aunty Judith take japa, she dey her teaching work, parent see am like am, parent tell him brother, before you know, piam emebe akwụkwọ Holland.

Sista mi, sometimes, old papa dem dey come. Those ones wey if you see them you go just know say their pikin no dey here and them dey take care of them wella. Dem go just hold their phone with one hand, use of finger from the other hand dey scroll. No be small thing o. These ones sabi dash money ehh, and you no fit put one kobo for their bill. Them no dey hold calculator but them dey just know. The day wey I first come, two men, one of them bu nwanne anyị but the other one be like say na him friend, from north side but no be Hausa man. The friend get three tribal mark for each cheek, for left, for right, I dey tell you, and no be those small small ones o, na the one wey just be like say person burn knife press am well and no be for that flat slim side of the knife, na the other big side. The marks just fat fat anyhow, the man come get big big lips wey dry, kpọọ nku, like say harmattan don come already. Them two chop isiewu finish, drink beer, like one one bottle the boy wey dey calculate their money come do the isiewu 8k instead of 6k wey we dey sell. Na so yawa burst o, shouting start, no be small. Rapid English with cursing, for language wey me no sabi. If na Chinese abi na Spanish na dem know. Ahh, so tey people gather. Everybody just dey beg, say make them calm down, they no gree o! For where?

“This dimwit is trying to rip us.”

“This is extortion and will not be tolerated.”

“The young rascal should be picked up by the authorities.”

“That raggamuffin thinks I can be stolen from. He’s in for it today.”

We beg, beg o, till broda come reason with them. Them still come back the next day, but them no gree may the boy serve them. Till me commot, na me dey attend to them and the money wey dem dey dash me, na steady steady. Them even collect my number, just dey praise me up and down. You know naw, as pikin wey dem train, wey no sabi steal. I just dey save the money, dey put am together small small, make I fit go Emeka Ofor go find one nice second-hand wey go fit do wazap.

    Sista mi, e be like say this one don dey long o, but talk plenty, just full my mouth, wetin my eyes see? No be small. I even meet those ones wey don dey away but them come back. No be my mouth you go take here why dem come back abeg. E even get one wey dey prison since the time wey Yar’Adua kpai. Na this year him come back. That one na broda friend sef. Him fit get potential but you sabi those kain people, them fit don get wife wey dey wait. We don already dey talk small small but me I no want make them take me as small side chicken. I dey aim for higher that that abeg. Mhhm, those ones wey don dey Naija already wey dey away before, them dey try o but them dey do one kind one kind. E get one afternoon wey one of those kind come, one of him friend wey dem comot the same time wey still dey away, follow am come, them also come with some older brothers and friends and otimkpu as usual naw. You know, all of them come dey talk, in normal otimkpu way, the man come dey praise them “Dike obodo Anyị. Ụmụaka aha ha n’ada na úgwú. Nke unu ayagha ada oo!! Chineke mekwara ụnụ ka ụnụ si emere anyị oo.” Na so the talk come enter as the boys dem bring water for village. Na so arguement take start, who first give village water. The guy wey been dey, say na am first open. The one wey dey, say, how? say no be am give am contact for the sumo people. The one wey been dey, say na true, but as him collect number, na him first open, na for him house water rush first. All the friends and brodas just dey laf, isiewu dey finish. Wo, na so them argue argue o. As them dey argue na so dem dey order beer. As I dey bring, na so I dey jiggle am. As we been talk before, I no dey gree give number for that first time, make them know say I no be anyhow babe. Make them just dey look, if them come again I go know say, them serious, make number no full phone, but person no dey there.

   Sista mi, the other people, na those ones wey want impress you, make you no doubt, say dem sef follow dey. Those ones wey wan show everybody wey talk say, them no go make am, say dem don make am o. Ka ụwa bia hụ. The accent no be here, the kind away perf wey dem dey pack, ehh. Na so so perfume gift, spray o, even that one wey get tennis, wey dem dey rub for armpit. This ones go just dey, dem go come, order, complain as everything just dey cost for here, do their supri supri, press fone, just dey do like say, as them go away, dem no dey shit. You go wash cup tire, e no dey ever clean for them eye, cold drink no dey, them go drink the hot one o but you no fit here word at all. No be small wahala, sista mi. This ones na wahala premium. If time to calculate bill reach, just say your amount, them no send. I dey like am die eh, especially as dem no dey come with people wey dey for here. Na just those three to four people and their wahala. The thing be say na transfer all the time, to get the money wey I add, dey hard me sometimes, broda go know say na my money, but him go like corner me. Anyways, me I no get anything against them, I dey ready if them dey ready. No be away we go dey, all man go dey alright, I just want make them put the ring make we comot o. E no too much naa abi sista mi?

   Sista mi, na so we just dey for here o, just dey push am sofri sofri. The main koko be say I don dey in talk with three sure bankas now, na any one wey first put serious mouth that side naim be that o.  This leta don dey long o sista mi, anyway sha, you fit do tum bom tum bom, guess the table wey I take get this my sure bankas?

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Image: Co-Pilot AI

Azubuike Obi
Azubuike Obi
Azubuike Obi is Igbo. He is a Storyteller and a School Teacher. Azubuike believes in the transformative power of language. Stories saved him, and he hopes his would save someone, someday, maybe. He can be found on X @samexistingg

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