Features

Seeking New: An Essay by Seotsa ‘Soh’ Manyeli

Every man’s life is about one single thing that he chooses as the ultimate of his searches. Every single blow of a kiss from a bee to a honey is about a particular change that it instigates into the world. My life is about something that I do not remember; even though it always comes to me in a dream – every night.

Every life experience is about finding the source of success; for each and every one of us entities that tile in this single picture of a being becoming human. I listen to something that is invisible and quiet but comes to me as a voice; a song or just a hush on my bold head. It sounds and looks real but sometimes it tells me things that are not or that do not sound true at all. It tells me it is my spirit and it wants me to see myself as it does and from then I would never have a moment of worry in the world. From that aspect of what it says I see my life as a song of bright colours flowing from one stream to the next; and one jump to another. It tells me that is I.

I look back at something that holds dear to me and find that I do not know what it is and I cannot see it anymore. I see my life as a separate entity of many longings, dissimilar feelings of doubt and skeptic antics of a new feeling every now and then. But then this feeling of absolute understanding to what is happening with me does not last; and when it does linger I find that it changes in colour and the memories of a past memory do not fade as well, they linger still. But then I find that these tides from streams are quick and relent to the magic of something that is said and done by this spirit that is forcing me to travel in unfriendly plains that have been burnt and hurt by fires. But the memories of my life coming, the flying of birds and stinging of bees is as strident as the missing source. But then I find that this is my life as I search for an open answer that will say “yes, this is what the first thought held before it created the physical universe.” But then I find myself still running at the floors of an ocean chasing something that does not seem real – even in a dream. You are what you hold dear and everything about your thoughts and your memories is a true reflection of whatever is true to you.

Our lives may be an open exercise of something that is not as real as what we feel and dream about, but it is as real as that exercise of the first thought and the first command that listened. Someone asked me why I am not practicing the real element of relationships because a window was opened and I saw the purpose of interaction and I told him that it is because I do not know whether what I saw was real or not. But he seemed to have been dissatisfied with my answer for he wanted me to tell him what he wanted to hear; that is I accept everything as is and continue with those wounds inflicted on us by loved ones. The purpose of relationships is to see yourself as you are and as you may be in your growth and sometimes in your quest for something differently better. We all seek new and want different, but the new that we have is sometimes not as new as we want it to be. And sadly sometimes the new that is there is not as visible and as solid as we want it to be. But then the voice is there, the song is still singing silently in our heads and the memories of our past and current life live together as we see and seek this new beginning of self.

I seem to be changing to something that I do not like. I seem to be seeking approval of wisdom from others and that is not as I want to be of my life. I am now seeking justification of a lot of things in my existence but the memories of my days after that are as true as glue to a box of paper. I am something that I do not like and the reason is because I know the road I should be traveling now and my spirit has already attested that it is true and every time I make an attempt at it; it becomes new. But then the memories of that life are as real now as I see my own hands but still I refuse to take that path that will make a difference in my life for better.

However, the feelings are real and those that do not seem legitimate at first look and sound better. But the feelings of success do not stay long also and when they do seem like they are settling in they change and seem less true. I wonder why the thrill of life is not real and does not stay for long like the new of young children. But the irony is that the beauty of children is not in their having nice noses and plenty of smiles; but in their reality to the sensation and the purpose of life itself. And it is true then that I always find that these flows from streams are quick and relent to the magic of something that is jovial and optimal for it is made from the fluid of creation itself. And it is true that by this spirit that is forcing me to travel in these distant plains that have been healed by snows it is trying by all means to combine these entities as one so that it may know itself as all of us. I believe this is the purpose of life and the prudent reality of our days as we try to balance our love and our search to find that purpose of life itself. I am still seeking new and finding new but not the new that I will see as new when I have accepted the enchantment and the new of life.

(c) Seotsa “Soh” Manyeli

Please leave a comment...

*

1 Comment