“I suppose we’re all lonely.”
The woman said out loud to her reflection as she brushed her teeth. Judith had always been an introvert. She liked to study men’s hands and the shape of their heads whenever she encountered them in the mall. Judith needed groceries. She had run out of cans of baked beans. Cans of baked beans were always useful to interlopers, women flying solo, soldiers, and solitary figures. In the grocery store, she walked up and down the aisles. She passed a man pushing a child in a stroller and stared at the child’s mother.
The man briefly met her gaze but quickly looked away again. “Is it my face? Do I remind you of someone, someone from your past, an ex-girlfriend?” was on the tip of Judith’s tongue, but she said nothing, walked past the couple and thought that she was mind-blasting her way through the store. “They say that introverts move with sensitive and careful movements in this world.” Judith’s psychiatrist chose her words with care. “There’s no reason to think that you will never meet anyone and get married to them.”
But there was something in the woman’s voice that Judith didn’t trust. The psychiatrist was married and lived with her mother-in-law. The psychiatrist had recently had a baby. The mother-in-law cooked meals, helped with the baby.
“Nobody cares about my abandonment issues,” said Judith.
“You don’t mind if I put the air conditioner on, do you?” Judith looked at the floor and then at the gold sandals on the woman’s feet and then at her psychiatrist’s toes. Judith looked away again, very quickly. She wanted to pretend as if she hadn’t studied her psychiatrist’s toes.
“No, I’m fine with it,” Judith said with no expression. The woman didn’t give her a second glance.
“Take a candy when you leave. I leave it out for my patients, the children who are my patients, but nobody seems to get it. I don’t get a smile out of anyone. Look, stop thinking about the losers who didn’t want you, stop thinking about your mother, stop thinking about being an only child, stop thinking about your abandonment issues and stop writing about it. There are other things to write about besides emotional pain. I know this world can seem senseless and cruel but you have to find the beauty in the moments that come and go. You have to remain present and show up for the people in your life.”
Judith stared at the psychiatrist’s painted nails, her red lips, her open mouth. Judith never painted her nails. Judith never painted her mouth red in defiance or triumph.
The appointment was over.
A police siren went off in the distance. Judith thought that the man in the bed beside her was asleep.
“Are you awake?” She turned around to face him. She stared at his back. She started to brush her fingers through his hair. He turned suddenly, grabbed her hand and kissed it.
“I want you to remember something,” the man said in all seriousness.
“What?” Judith asked sleepily. She just wanted to feel the warmth of the blankets around her. The crisp air in the bedroom settled into the threadbare carpet on the floor.
“You’re mine.” The man waited for her to say something, anything.
“Am I?” Finally, Judith spoke in a whisper. She was exhausted. Clinical depression and loneliness could do that to a woman in her late thirties.
“You’re my woman. You belong to me.” The man was insistent, courageous. He was thinking that something was at fault with Judith’s mindset.
“What does that mean? That I belong to you?” Judith was having none of this after the morning she had.
“To me it means you’re not a flirt. You’re not like the other women I’ve seen on the scene. Most women want to mess with a man’s head. Most women that I knew in my twenties were gold-diggers, or they wanted me to read poetry to them or marry them.” Judith didn’t want to listen to a soliloquy from a complete stranger in the early hours of the morning.
“Does it matter what I want?” She sat up in bed. The man grabbed her by the elbow, and she laughed and shook him off.
“You exist to make me happy. I exist to admire you, to worship you. Don’t look at me like that. You’ve never had a man say that to you. You’re exquisite, do you know that?” Again the man’s voice was insistent and serious. He wasn’t trying to play some cloak and dagger game with her but in the dark Judith rolled her eyes. She hadn’t seen this coming, but she had heard it all before.
“How?” she sighed. She wanted to hear his side of the story. She wanted to know more about his background, more of where he came from, the colour of his mother’s hands when she baked bread. His father’s mood after he had a beer in the evenings with his supper.
“How? Oh, you’re serious. You don’t know how beautiful you are. No man has probably told you that before but tonight I’m telling you that you’ve got to feel secure in your sexiness, beauty and confidence. I mean every woman is like you. Every woman feels lonely, deeply un-liked or unloved at times by her partner or spouse when they’re fighting, for example. Look, gay or straight, what are they calling it these days? I am a man and you’re a woman. Now when we first started dating, that very first night I took you out, the moon was out, romance was in the air but I could tell you were embarrassed by your loneliness. Wait, now listen to me. I can tell that you’re rolling your eyes at me in the dark. I could tell; I could just tell by all those lonely records you were playing when you were making me a cup of tea in your kitchen just how embarrassed you were.”
“I’m thirsty.” But what Judith really wanted was for this guy to shut the hell up. Who did he think he was? Did he think that he was some kind of mind-reader?
“Hey! I just happen to be one of those kinds of people who like that kind of music.” But truth be told Judith felt close to tears and a kind of anger that was eating away at her spirit.
“Really now? Be honest.” She could feel his eyes on her in the dark. “What?” Judith felt irritated. He’s just being nice, she told herself. He’ll be gone in the morning.
“Are we on the same page here?” The man’s eyes were steady and kind.
“You’ll be gone in the morning.” Judith said matter-of-factly. There was the sound of another siren going past the block of flats. It sounded menacing as it turned the corner.
“This is some neighbourhood that I find myself in this time of the morning. What’s the time there? What makes you say that? Who are you to say I won’t be around in the morning?” The man sounded more exasperated than angry.
“It will be light soon. The sun will be out in less than an hour.” Judith felt cold. She wanted to get back into bed. She wanted to put her nightdress on and her robe. She wanted to be left alone.
“I’m going to tell you something now. I will be around in the morning and I’m even going to bring you breakfast in bed. Do you have eggs?” The man smiled. Judith thought he looked like a young Al Pacino with green eyes.
Judith nodded.
“Do you have bread?” The man licked his lips as he looked at her shadow.
Judith nodded.
“How does French toast sound? You eat French toast?” The man cupped his chin in his hand.
“That sounds wonderful.” Judith went to the bathroom and switched the light on. She opened the cold water tap and drank the clear, fresh running water. She switched the light off and stepped into the room. She could make out the figure of the man sitting upright in bed, his defined chest, his slender legs.
“I’ve finally won you over?” the man threw his hands up into the air.
Judith finally allowed herself to smile and meet his gaze. She didn’t know if he was looking at her.
“Yes, you’ve finally won me over,” she said quietly.
“Will you relax. Come, sit. People standing in doorways make me nervous.”
Judith sat on the bed next to the man.
“You’re so beautiful and you don’t even know it. This is what happens these days when a lonely woman meets a nice guy, and by nice guy I mean a guy who never got into trouble a day in his life.” Judith rested her head on the man’s shoulder.
“I don’t like the church or church people.”
“I didn’t say anything about the church but I can tell you this. Everybody gets hurt by something in life. Sometimes it’s people, sometimes it’s their mother, sometimes it’s the church. By the way, I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Craig,” said the man.
“I’m Judith.”
“Yeah, I know. They say you come here often. I’ve asked about you. Who is that beautiful girl who comes in here and eats a sandwich alone and has a cup of tea? Who is that girl with the sad eyes, I say, and they tell me, usually the waitress says to me, well, she’s a regular and she comes here every day and orders the same thing at this diner and her name is Judith,” and here Craig paused. Judith brushed her hair out of her face.
“So, Craig, what do you do for a living?” Judith reached for a cigarette in a slow movement.
“What do you think you’re doing, Judith? Cigarettes are bad for you. Oh, you’re a naughty girl. You used to be the girl who used to hang out with the losers in the smoker’s corner at school.”
“Really,” said Judith playing along with a small smile playing on her lips. “I thought cigarettes were good for a person.”
“Lonely people smoke.”
“Alright, I won’t smoke.” Defeated, Judith put the cigarette in a drawer.
“Good girl. Nice guys like good girls. Sometimes nice guys even marry good girls, did you know that, Judith? Well, I also write a little. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I’m Craig K., the failed novelist.”
“Oh, you’re that Craig K.?” Judith laughed.
“Oh, so you’ve heard of me.” The man smiled. “It’s good to hear you laugh. See what I did there? I made you laugh.”
“My grandmother would strip me naked and leave me in a chicken coop. She’d whip me over the littlest things, you know?”
Judith didn’t know what to say to the man’s confession so she put her arms around him and buried her face in the man’s neck.
“Did anything like that ever happen to you? “ He whispered in Judith’s hair.
“My mother never told me that she loved me. Nobody has ever told me that they loved me.” Judith wanted to disappear. “I want to disappear.”
“Judith, do I make you want to disappear? Tell you what. Let’s disappear to an island where we can make love the whole day.”
“That sounds good to me, Craig.”
“Judith, I love hearing you say my name.”
“You mean that no man told you that he loved you? You poor darling, you poor, poor girl, what did they feed you on in that house? What did your father do about your mother not loving you, did he love you, did he neglect your mother or did he choose you above your mother? That happens sometimes. It happens. Judy, dear, dear Judy, oh my sweet, sweet girl, you know you really don’t have to say anything at all. We were both born into similar circumstances. We were really meant to meet each other today, don’t you think? What we don’t know about each other, we’ll learn. The sun is coming out. Let’s find our clothes and I’ll make some us some coffee and a hot breakfast. Put the kettle on, honey.”
Judith obeyed and for the first time in her life she had found a purpose. The man had lit a purpose within her. She looked at him then, really looked at him then. At his shoulders, his neck, his slender legs, at his green eyes and he met her gaze and smiled. She smiled back. She didn’t have to smile back at him and she didn’t have to obey him, or put the kettle on. The previous day they had been two souls on a collision course and now they were lovers.
“You like pizza, Judy? Well, I mean everybody likes pizza, who doesn’t you know?” Judith just had the energy to nod and pull a dress on over her head.
“Let’s go out tonight and have pizza at our place tonight, what do you say or would you rather stay in and watch TV?” said Craig, putting on his tie in front of the bathroom mirror.
“You decide. Yes, why don’t you decide.” Judith replied.
“How do I look, Judy?”
“Good. You look good, Craig.”
She stood there watching him until he turned around. She thought she would wait until he left before lighting up and smoking that cigarette.
“I know that it’s a very difficult thing for you to even acknowledge that I believe in you. I just want you to know, look, for whatever this is to evolve, we have to accept each other for who we are and not who we pretend to be.” Judith studied Craig’s hands as he slipped his arms into his worn leather jacket.
“I know what you’re thinking.” Judith looked at him without wearing any kind of expression on her face. “You’re thinking I’m a talker or a loser without any money or fame to his name.” Judith shook her head.
“Alright, then you’re thinking this tie probably doesn’t go with this old leather jacket that’s seen better days.” Craig smiled wistfully at her.
“No,” Judith finally answered. “I always study men’s hands. I was looking at yours. Hands can tell a lot about a person.
“Oh, they do? What do mine say about me?” Craig held his hands up as if the police had ambushed him.
“They tell me that you’re artistic, that you’re definitely some kind of artist. You don’t have a studio. See, your fingernails are clean and your clothes aren’t paint spattered and your hands don’t smell of turpentine.” Judith said meeting his gaze and looking away.
“What do you see in my eyes, Judith?” the man whispered.
“I see a man.” Judith said out loud, frightened of how close she felt to him in that moment. She could see now that his eyes weren’t green. How it had appeared green through a trick of the light. His eyes were light brown with flecks in them.
“Do you just see a man who is definitely some kind of artist or a man who is running away from his problems, running towards a lonely, frightened woman, wanting to save her and be saved in return?” the man whispered back to her. The tension in the room felt palpable.
“I don’t know,” said Judith.
“I think you do know. I think you’re just afraid. It’s alright. I get scared too. I’m frightened too. I’m scared of losing you, for one. There are things I wouldn’t say to you, you know?” Things no man would tell a woman. I’m scared of hurting you. I would never hit you but I wouldn’t say I have never hit a woman and not felt ashamed about it. Do you want it to stop? What am I talking about?” Again, Judith nodded and felt ashamed. She felt ashamed about the yearning she felt growing inside her for this man.
“The energy in this room, can you feel it? The energy is different now with me in it. It feels more masculine. The feminine energies have fallen away, dissipated. I felt it as soon as I stepped into this place last night. I want you to know that the energy of your flat will always feel different now and that it’s not going to go back to the way it was. I can tell you why you want it to stop. It’s because you don’t know how to handle it but I’ll tell you this, Judy. Sweetheart, I don’t know how to handle this, what we have either. Making love is one thing, romance that’s another, failure at making things work, letting go of the reality of the situation until it resembles a maintaining of a relationship, that’s a wowee, you know? Gosh, I talk a lot, don’t I? Oh, well, you’re just going to have to get used to that.” The man sat on the bed and started to put his socks on.
Judith bent down and looked under the bed and found one of the man’s shoes. She found the other next to the television. The man made her feel indescribably beautiful. He made her feel beautiful in a way that she could never have imagined that she could feel. She felt seen, visible in his presence. She watched the back of his head carefully.
“You like perfume? Come with me. I’ll buy you a bottle of the most expensive perfume there is in this city. I feel like it. I’m in the mood for it. So, let’s go. Do you have money? I don’t have money. Never mind. Perhaps we’ll go and do that some other time then.” Craig slapped his hands on his knees.
Judith didn’t know if she liked perfume. Judith didn’t know if she liked eating a prawn cocktail for that matter.
“You’re giving me that look again, Judith. You’re giving me honey eyes. What’s the matter? I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere. Today, I’m all yours but tomorrow is Monday and I have to go to work, and you have your own things to do. I’m writing a novel, remember, and that I do on my own time in the evenings.” The man got up from the bed and put his arms around her.
“Yes,” Judith said after a long silence. “You’re still here. I thought you would have left this morning already. Let’s go for a walk. We can sit in the park and watch the world go by and contemplate the vanishing of the Amazon.” Judith grabbed her purse and pulled a comb through her hair a few times, wincing as she caught a few loose strands.
“Yes, let’s do that and afterwards I’ll make you a steak. You got steak, right? I’ll make you mashed potatoes like my mother used to make for us kids during the week.” The man laughed. Judith wasn’t crazy about his laugh yet.
“We can get potatoes at the Farmer’s Market, and you can buy me flowers.” Judith looked up. The man was standing at the window staring down two floors at the diner across the street.
“Craig, what are you doing?” Judith said carefully.
“Yesterday morning I didn’t know you and now life is different. I’m a changed man. I’m transformed. Judith, you’re the reason for the transformation.” Judith put the purse down, and put her hand in his.
“There were so many times I wanted to just simply not exist anymore because I didn’t have a reason to hold on to, because I didn’t become what my parents wanted me to become, a lawyer, a doctor with status and power. I didn’t meet the right girl and when the opportunity presented itself it came out of the blue. You’re the right girl for me, Judith. Sweetheart, let’s go to the park. What kind of flowers do you like? Tell me, do you prefer roses to carnations, or tulips, or what about an orchid? They’re exotic. Tell you what, if you’re good and you throw away those cigarettes in that drawer, I’ll buy you butter yellow roses, and that I can afford.” The man was different now. His mood had changed, the colour was back in his face, there was a sparkle in his face, and an animation in his tone of voice. Judith felt safe once again.
“I like wildflowers, Craig,” the woman said. Judith reached out her hand for the man’s and felt for the key to the front door of her flat in her pocket.
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Image: ChatGPT remixed