Sweetheart, it is with mixed feelings that I am writing. You need not ask why…I will tell you! You have added meaning to mine life in ways that one can never imagine…not even you, Helen. Those hours we spent together in our wildest of imaginations are a part of an invaluable and indispensable treasure that I will forever cherish.
Tragedy is when one’s own faults makes one lose a treasure that had all one’s miserable life been within their reach. Double tragedy is when sheer cowardice won’t let people face those they secretly adore, love and cherish to confess their innermost convictions…of how much they had lived loving them, how much they had secretly cared, how much they were ready and willing to sacrifice and let go so they may be a part of their lives.
Sometimes in our seemingly ever-unpredictable lives, we happen to stumble upon people that are in a million ways bound to affect almost every single aspect of our lives. Their coming into our shadowy and meaningless lives coated with tears, fears, penury and hopelessness might, at first impression, seem a mere mistake, yet the would-be impact they end up leaving behind can be so profound we will live remembering for years on end.
If my recollection is any closer to being correct, repeatedly, humanity has proven incapable of exhibiting true love. That love that the Holy Bible ingeniously describe as patient, kind, not jealous or conceited, not proud, not ill-mannered, not selfish or easily irritable; not vengeful, love that is happy with truth, that never gives up and above all, love that never ends. You will agree with my candid sentiments that the fashion of love we humans exude does indeed fall short of the aforementioned criterion by far yet it is not true in its ENTIRETY that we are incapable of loving.
The tiny seeds of love have no seasons or say in a favorable climate for them to germinate and perhaps grow gradually beyond their inevitable fruition. Love is never premeditated. Love is just that…love; and when close to being half-true, or say half-way near to the perfect love exhibited in the Person, Life, Death and eventual Resurrection of Jesus Christ; our stupid, stupid hearts never fail to notice its cordial embrace.
Love usually docks into the harbor of our unfortunately ever- unprepared hearts with a mighty wave. Its strong slaps are hard to ignore however fierce our resolve to turn it away might be. No matter how much we might strive to pin it down, it always bulges out and inevitably betrayed via our unguarded talk, deeds, and gestures that might have once been selfishly preserved in the most secretive part of our inner being.
Courtesy of that strange feeling we end up harboring in our young hearts, we are inevitably bound to make tough decisions.
Sometimes, we can make silly and regrettable decisions. At times, circumstances will force us to sacrifice old habits that are so dear to our hearts. Still, we might have to put up with a few ugly dots here and there as we aim to make the other even much happier and contented. In the end, we graduate into reliable pillars that our ‘partners in this crime of loving and being loved back’ will from time to time (when in anguish and pain) lean on for comfort.
However mysterious or exciting our past might sound or appear to be, that strange feeling we might share for one another might and can be an excuse of one day turning the tables upside-
downside. Truth is, you can be a reason he or she might consider changing (for the better) who they used to be. Together, you can both covertly and overtly let go each and every single yesterday and still refuse to pitch a permanent tent in that dark corner of last year.
You can choose to believe in your secret newfound relationship and make it work against all odds. You can choose to wrestle down the perennial cloud of cold and that bout of loneliness and instead fill each other’s lives with swollen promises, hope, love and faith of seeing yet another day rise and yet another day die.
Being honest and true to our feelings is extremely vital. It is by far the sole means of shunning self-imposed ostracism. In fact, it is the key to your freedom and a proven weapon of letting off your caged heart. It might sound like the hardest thing to do yet the long-term rewards are ideally worth the gamble. With it comes a new lease of life, a new awakening that will take you places once unknown. Such is the time when one shortly bid farewell to his or her ‘perfect world (that is ironically a product of life’s imperfections) and take a giant leap to a newly crafted world riddled with boundless niceties.
For the short yet very long period I have lived in this world, I have learned also, to my shock, that one can never run away (literally) from what one genuinely feels. You can run away from an imminent danger, walk away from a sworn adversary harboring ill intentions against you, dodge a bullet, and survive a car wreck but you will never run away from love.
The cruel claws of love are bound to haunt you beyond your matrimonial bed. Its sharp and strong teeth will tear and wear down the fence of that hideout. Always, it will be a life full of struggles…struggling to forget those butterflies in your tummy every time you saw him or her, struggles to shrug off that nagging emptiness in your heart whenever they were not around you, struggles to forget in vain those special moments you shared…
Days and nights will come and go…go and come back again, yet those ever disturbingly vivid and alive feelings for him or her will repeatedly refuse to walk again. His or her favorite food, best song, preferred TV program, or even the exaggerated phobia for snakes or the dead, will be among your lifetime memories. Night and day, day and night (after he or she is long gone; perhaps happily and lawfully wedded), you will helplessly remember the few smiles you ever put on that expectant face and the enormous pain you caused…
Through their exceptional care, unmatched kindness, and unselfish warmth, we get to forget our suffering and hidden pain. Many a time, their mere presence in our gloomy lives (even if out of our wildest imaginations), is reason enough for us to be merrier, cheerful, joyous, happy and contented. A thought about their simply being there for you is enough excuse for you to wear a golden robe of euphoria around your dispirited heart.
Yet as fate would have it, hell can break loose and things can start falling apart without even a prior notice or a warning cue for that matter. A foul wind might blow your way and cast your secret love into the four unforgiving winds.
However, before they do again, as they have, I hereby confess my utmost regret for having ignored your letters. I read each one of them, WORD BY WORD, SYLLABLE-BY-SYLLABLE, yet I could not gather enough courage to write you back. This, believe me you, did not mean that my deepest and sacred affections for you were no more.
I might never know for sure who loves me, but I know whom I love, and that is you. You may tell little lies, small as a thorn, but they will grow to the size of a spear and kill you. That I know too and I am not planning to tread on that ‘less-taken’ road…not anymore, Helen. If you will find it in your heart to forgive me, Helen, write back to me at the soonest opportune possible.
An excerpt from “The UglyBeautiful Tale of a Stupid, Stupid Heart: When Mother Hen Eats her Grownup Chicks”