A Note On ‘Prof.’ by ‘Shèun and Bebe Ominira-Bluejack
‘Prof.’ is another vignette, an excerpt of an episode that my sister Bebe and I are developing for our original series “Prof.”. Like our previously published vignette ‘Joy’, which is excerpted from a sitcom that exists in the same shared universe as ‘Prof.’ does, it is published here in order to serve as a proof-of-concept for the sitcom of this name.
Our main character, Professor Abiodun Doherty PhD, is loosely based on the lives of the Nigerian writers and academics Prof. Wole Soyinka and Prof. Chinua Achebe. The following is his bullet-point biography.
Professor Abiodun Doherty PhD: An 80-year-old Nigerian American writer, academic and activist, Prof. Doherty won the Pulitzer Prize for his magnum opus “Oshun Be Praised!” back in the early 1990s. He has since settled into a comfortable disillusionment with the fame that that affords him, though he paradoxically would hate nothing more than anonymity. A radical non-conformist, the professor is known for having entered Nigeria clandestinely in the late ‘90s on a mission to assassinate the despot Sani Abacha a number of years later. He was ultimately one-upped by nature before he could do so, much to his irritation.
*****
Prof.
Story By
‘Shèun Ominira-Bluejack
and
Bebe Ominira-Bluejack
*****
Written By
‘Shèun Ominira-Bluejack
*****
A BLANK SCREEN is shown.
THE NARRATOR
(V.O.)
Long time ago, na man dere be…
FADE IN:
INTERIOR. A SUPERMARKET IN AKOKA. DAY.
A relatively upscale supermarket on the UniLag campus is full of the lunchtime crowd. Professors and students alike grab assorted groceries and pay at the cashier. A particular man in the queue regards a bag of apples that he’s holding with the same disgust that one typically reserves for tax collectors and televangelists. This is PROFESSOR ABIODUN DOHERTY (80s, imperious and opinionated).
THE NARRATOR
(V.O.)
… But no be yama yama man laidat. Oh, no… Na man wey don win the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction for Yankee… A man wey big pass, wey don teach kings… A famous man… And, most importantly, a man wey no go let you forget am.
The professor beckons for an attendant to come over to where he’s standing.
PROF. ABIODUN DOHERTY
Excuse me, young man…
ATTENDANT
(After coming over) Yes, sir.
PROF. ABIODUN DOHERTY
There appears to be something wrong with these apples.
ATTENDANT
(While taking them from him) I’m sorry, sir… What exactly is the matter with them?
PROF. ABIODUN DOHERTY
Those apples have been sitting in that fridge for upwards of a week if they’ve been there for a day.
ATTENDANT
Sir, we are very proud of the freshness of our fruits and vegetables.
PROF. ABIODUN DOHERTY
(Scoffing) Calling your vegetables “fresh” is like calling genre fiction “literature”.
ATTENDANT
(Confused) Sir?
PROF. ABIODUN DOHERTY
Don’t injure yourself trying to make sense of that. Just go to your back room and get me some good apples.
ATTENDANT
But, sir…
RANDOM PATRON
(Cutting the attendant off) My guy, do you know who this man is?
ATTENDANT
What?
RANDOM PATRON
This is Prof. Abiodun Doherty! If he says that he wants new apples, you get him new apples!
As all of the patrons mumble their agreement, the attendant is taken aback by this turn of events. He looks at the professor, who smiles victoriously in response, then goes off to begrudgingly replace the erring fruits.
Shortly after this happens, a heavy-set man enters the supermarket. This is AUGUSTUS HAASTRUP (40, pleasant, kind of stupid).
THE NARRATOR
(V.O)
Man laidis for only be with pipu wey smart pass… Everything dey have im mate… Dis na why dis pesin dey vex am like nonsense…
Having seen Haastrup, the professor suddenly dashes out of the queue, rushes up an aisle and ducks into the TOILETRY SECTION. A moment later, he peers from behind a stack of toilet rolls. The other patrons watch all of this with unvoiced confusion.
The professor watches as Haastrup begins to walk to the far side of the supermarket. After he turns to look at some food there, the professor begins to cautiously inch towards the entrance.
THE NARRATOR
(V.O.)
Na so dis olodo dey torment am for staff mixer. By Oshun, e no go assault am again with yet another diatribe about supply and demand! Walai talai, im own go better by force!
The professor loops around the aisles as Haastrup goes further into the large room. He is just about to leave the supermarket when a voice rings out behind him.
THE ATTENDANT
Here are your new apples, Prof. Doherty!
The professor freezes and keeps his eyes tightly closed, as if doing so would keep him from being caught. For a long moment, it seems as though he’s going to get away with it, but then:
AUGUSTUS HAASTRUP
(O. C.)
Prof. Doherty!
PROF. ABIODUN DOHERTY
(Wearily, while begrudgingly taking the apples)
Mr. Haastrup.
FADE TO BLACK.