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RE: High Priority Memo Regarding the Urgent Arrangement of a Neco-Trial
Dear Comrades,
I hope this letter finds you well. If so, then long live our determined and necessary revolution!
I am writing this letter in response to the recent news about the misguided decision of the corrupt political elite in our country to allow the burial of a former foreign president on our territory. As if foreigners have not already brought enough calamity to our once beautiful, pristine country, now we are offering up our land to bury theirs. Comrades, our leaders are opening a dangerous floodgate that could lead to all kinds of physical and spiritual problems, ultimately shutting the country down with nothing left to salvage.
Comrades, I know that liberals (with their let’s-open-our-borders chorus) will label this as another form of xenophobia, but this shouldn’t deter us from pursuing our central goal of cleansing our land. What bothers me the most about this news is its spiritual element. Since this news came to my attention, I have struggled to calm my restless mind. I have had several nightmares about the implications of this idea. In one dream, I saw the ghost of the soon-to-be-buried head of state calling an emergency meeting of ghosts from his country, suggesting that our land would be the perfect venue for their annual meeting. I clearly recall him saying that they could start teaching our ancestors their language so that our ancestors could communicate with us in strange languages. Even more frighteningly, he said that he was going to tell our ancestors to tell us that the solution to our problems is to remove all security from our borders. I even heard him suggest that they could convene a pan-African ghost conference on our land. Comrades, this is problematic. Before we know it, other countries will copy this underhand method and beg our compromised elite to allow them to bury their dignitaries here. Preposterous! Let each ancestor remain within their own national boundaries and not cause confusion here. Isn’t it enough that they’ve taken our jobs and our beautiful women?! Comrades, can you imagine these foreign ancestors marrying our ancestors and producing all kinds of ancestors who would have the audacity to roam our land freely and take what they want? Ancestral theft!
Now, I would like to share my suggestion. Comrades, I think we should shift up a gear in our struggle against these illegal immigrants. This new move must strike fear into their hearts and put an end to their ridiculous ideas about turning our country into some kind of necrotourist destination. Never! I propose that we start a nationwide audit of foreigners buried in this country. We must deploy our field officers to cemeteries across the country to check tombstones for foreign names. If we are unsure about the indigeneity of the name, the burden of proof will be on their relatives (if we can find them) to prove otherwise. If no relatives exist, we can conduct an online poll to determine the ethnicity of the name in question. The result of the poll will be final. This first step is a necessary administrative process that will allow us to establish numbers and open a register accessible to all our citizens. This will finally provide proof to naysayers (read: harebrained liberals) that our country is being flooded by migrants of all kinds. How else would they have ended up being buried here if they had not entered our territory in the first place? Even if they entered legally, why did their families not repatriate their bodies?
After this step, we can move on to setting up a task team. I am offering to lead this committee, which will be responsible for setting up the trial of the identified individuals. Comrades, you must remember that I have read the views of patriots from around the world on how to deal with the scourge of illegal immigration. I am also a big fan of TV legal drama series, which has enhanced my knowledge of courtroom procedure. Comrades, are you still with me? I can shed more light on this strategy at our next meeting. I suggest we hold these trials in each local government across the country. The trials should take place in the local government area where the foreigners have been buried.
We have enough comrades who can handle these trials. I’m not talking about lawyers here, but rather comrades who understand the importance of ridding our country of illegal immigrants. In interviews over the years, we have seen how our comrades have clearly and straightforwardly articulated the problems that migrants bring to our country. As I said at our last meeting, what’s wrong with a comrade saying he can’t find a girlfriend or wife because these foreigners are seducing our women with their voodoo? Who are we to dismiss such a scientific conclusion? When a comrade says he can’t find a job as a professor because a foreigner now occupies the position at the university, why should we ask him if he has a PhD or any other academic qualifications to teach at university? Who says you need PhD training to convey obvious knowledge? Common sense is not the exclusive domain of foreigners — we have it in abundance within our movement. Comrades, please don’t let these mindless liberals gaslight us.
Sorry about the digression, comrades. Let’s get back to the plan. Each court trial should consist of at least three comrade judges who have demonstrated their ability to discuss the issues arising from illegal immigration in this country. If, for example, a comrade shows us an interview that he or she has conducted in the past, or posts from social media, then we should prioritise that candidate. There is no need for lawyers to represent anyone here. The only people allowed to represent the deceased are family members. Family members should explain how the deceased got here and why their body was not sent back home. These two questions are fundamental. If, for example, the deceased came here illegally, then, in addition to expelling them, we will also rule that they should be posthumously classified as illegal immigrants who have contravened our immigration laws. This will be recorded on our list of embargoed ghosts for all to see. As for the second question, I cannot think of a good reason why family members are unable to repatriate the body of their loved one. None! In this case, we can rule that the family must exhume the body and do what is right. Full stop! Failure to do so must be condemned as a criminal offence. But what if there are no family members to represent the body? Here, we can exhume the body and bring it to the trial for a ceremonial cross-examination. If our compromised elite prevent us from doing this — which I am sure they will — then we can carve a dead body as a symbol and prosecute it. After the trial, we can dump the body (or the carved symbol) at the gate of their embassy here.
The final step in this process is to perform a cleansing ritual. Here, we invite pastors, imams and traditional worshippers to conduct a ceremony to banish the ghosts of foreigners from our land. Their names will be read out one by one, along with the offences they committed and the verdicts passed on them.
Comrades, we mustn’t forget to invite the media to witness the whole process. If they choose not to come, we shouldn’t be bothered. We can always livestream the whole thing on our social media platforms for everyone to see. Transparency is key here.
Comrades, if we take this proposal seriously, I promise you that foreigners will think twice before turning our country into a burial site.
I now propose that we hold an urgent meeting within the next couple of days to discuss the matter. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Comrade ‘Short Circuit’ Pajawiri
National Secretary: They Must Go! Movement (TMGM).