Nneoma watched the car window blur out, unsure if it was from the rain droplets or her own tears. Outside, the rain gave its final performance after a two-hour theatrical downpour. The streets of Abuja were mostly empty, like a ghost town, except for a few people who soldiered on, already drenched and shivering like wet dogs.
Her phone vibrated, and for a moment, she stiffened. She wanted it to be a text from Effiong, even though she had just left her house. No, not left. She didn’t just leave Effiong’s house; she stormed out, on the verge of angry tears. They’d had the same conversation again. But this was the most intense one yet.
Coward
That’s what Effiong called her. The words stung afresh, and she heaved, wiping her nose with a handkerchief. The Uber driver occasionally peered at her from the mirror but didn’t say a word. She was grateful for it. The last thing she needed was another interrogation. Effiong’s was enough.
She had known Effiong all her life and couldn’t remember a time when Effiong wasn’t her best friend, when Effiong wasn’t the love of her life.
Don’t freak out, but I think I’m in love with you.
She still remembered the night Effiong had said those words. Effiong with her yellow skin, sharp gaze, and deep-set dimples. It was very much like her to do audacious things like confess to her childhood best friend that she was in love with her. Nneoma’s heart had stopped that night as the soft glow of the laptop screen gave the dark dormitory room some illumination. They had been watching a movie, and as the credits rolled out on the screen, the words rolled off Effiong’s tongue. Don’t freak out, but I think I’m in love with you.
It was a quiet whisper, but it had been loud enough to almost give Nneoma a heart attack — shy, timid Nneoma, whose heart stopped, not because she thought what her best friend said was taboo or a shock. Matter of fact, she was anything but surprised. The quiet tension had simmered for years between them, a slow and tender drawl that ebbed back and forth, so thick everyone acknowledged that there was something about them, even though no one quite knew what it was. Once, a classmate said they acted like a married couple. Nneoma had always known she was in love with her best friend, but she was satisfied with what they were — best friends who loved each other like death itself, who celebrated what they called a “love anniversary”, who wore promise rings as a symbol of “forever”, who never went a day without talking, and craved the warmth of each other like an addiction. They never spoke about the conspicuous Cupid in the room, but managed to build their lives around each other with unintentional intentionality. When one moved to a new city, the other was moving too. How would they survive without seeing each other’s faces and sinking into each other’s warmth?
They were happy together. No acknowledgements. No definitions. Just peace… until Effiong had ruined it with her confession.
Nneoma had gone from shock to anger to grief because she couldn’t unhear those words. She was too scared of what was on the other side of facing a reality that had been for years. They had never been physical except for that one time they kissed after a fight about a male classmate who liked Effiong. For her, it was enough to be near Effiong. To be looked at with a kind of adoration that was powerful enough to make a person burst with ecstasy. Effiong was her soulmate.
But lately things had gotten turbulent.
They were no longer kids and were approaching the age where people started to think seriously about settling down.
Nneoma had brought it up once. “I think I want to settle down,” she had said, half-expecting Effiong to go crazy. Effiong hadn’t. She had only looked at her, deep grief in her tired eyes, and sighed.
“Settle. Can you hear yourself?”
“What? It’s not like I can marry you,” Nneoma had muttered under her breath.
“Why? Because I don’t have the thing between my legs?” Effiong had adjusted her glasses in the intimidating manner she often did when a quiet anger was simmering in her belly.
“You know it’s not about —”
“Oh, please. I know that’s all it’s about. You can’t bear children naturally with me. We’ll be unsafe because this is Nigeria. Your parents will be disappointed, along with everybody else who has expectations of your own life. Look me in the eye and tell me all of this isn’t because I don’t have the dangling thing.”
Nneoma could say nothing. Effiong was right. They wouldn’t have to think about any of that if one of them were male. It was true. It was heartbreakingly true. The type of truth that stood like a masquerade and refused to go away, no matter how many times it was shooed.
“You know what? Do whatever you want. I’ll be fine.”
Nneoma had done what she wanted. In a month, she had gotten herself a boyfriend, rich, tall, and handsome.
Effiong had been devastated, but Nneoma felt she was helping them. Nothing could come out of their love except a lonely and challenging life.
For months, Effiong couldn’t recover. Nneoma was mad. Did she think it was easy for her, too? But at least she was trying (and failing) to love someone else for the sake of their future. Effiong was willing to damn everything for Nneoma. But shy, timid Nneoma wasn’t like that. Not even for the woman she loved.
Finally, she rummaged through her bag until she found her phone. It was a text from Tee, her boyfriend. Please stop by my house after work. I have something to show you.
A bittersweet smile formed on her lips. They’d been dating for a little over a year now, and she still hadn’t succeeded in loving him yet. She couldn’t look at him the way she looked at Effiong. She couldn’t adore the tiny details about him the way she did Effiong. She wouldn’t give her life for him the way she would for Effiong. She wasn’t happy with him the way she was with Effiong, but at least she was trying.
Okay love. She responded and put the phone away.
“Please, can you stop me at 34 instead?” She leaned forward and asked the driver. Tee and her lived in the same estate; his house was before hers. The driver nodded.
She picked up her phone and went to her chatbox with Effiong.
“I got us two copies of the book. Drop by and pick yours up.” It was the last message Effiong had sent. What was meant to be a quick drop-by had turned into another fight. Effiong was uneasy. She had asked what Nneoma would do if Tee ever proposed to her. Nneoma had said she didn’t want to think about it. She would cross the bridge when she got there. Now that she thought about it, her response didn’t make any sense. Why date Tee if she wasn’t sure what her response would be if he proposed?
If you say yes, I’ll have to disappear from your life.
Nneoma had scoffed. Effiong was always dramatic. Too intense. She needed to take a chill pill sometimes.
The driver was finally at Tee’s. Before leaving the car, she looked in the mirror and dabbed on some powder to hide the tear stain. When she pushed the doorbell in front of Tee’s door, there was no response. She took out her phone to call Tee when the hefty door finally creaked open to reveal…
For a moment, she was confused. What was going on?
Slowly, she walked in, clutching her handbag. Something had happened to Tee’s living room. She couldn’t recognize it. A camera flashed in the corner, and another light came on. The whole place was scattered with roses and balloons. It all made sense when four words she hadn’t noticed flashed brighter. “Will you marry me?”
Her heart stopped. Effiong had known. Of course, Effiong had known. Tee would tell her best friend first and ask for her advice.
For a moment, her mind went blank. She wanted to shut her eyes and open them to find that it was all a dream. But when Tee appeared, rose in one hand and a ring box in the other, she knew it wasn’t a dream.
Taiye wore an anxious smile, and no matter how hard he tried to hide it, he shook all over. A soft track played in the background. It was almost romantic. Except, it couldn’t be because it wasn’t Effiong. She wasn’t here either. Her eyes watered.
“Aww,” a voice came from behind her. She would recognize that voice any day. She turned, and sure enough, it was Zainab. She had a broad smile, and her camera flashlight was on. Dotun was here too. And Chika. Phan Phan. Even Lola. Where had they all snuck out from?
She wept, wet, searing tears streaming down her face as her eyes went from one friend to another. They were genuinely happy for her. But did they know it was the worst day of her life?
Slowly, Tee went on one knee, beaming. He opened the ring box to reveal a shiny diamond ring. Nneoma recoiled. A diamond ring was too much from a man she didn’t love. Tee’s mouth moved, but his words didn’t reach her ears. It felt like a nightmare, and no matter how hard she tried to hear what everyone was saying, she couldn’t. She floated out of her body, watching everyone from somewhere above and resenting them for cheering.
“Say yes,” they began to chant. “Say yes.”
Her life flashed before her eyes, but what she saw wasn’t a future. It was a funeral. This was what she wanted, wasn’t it? To settle in peace. To be safe. To be hidden. Slowly, she nodded like something else had possessed her body. Exhaustion swept over her as Tee put the ring on her finger and pulled her into his embrace. Everyone cheered, and the photo sessions began.
So, this was it?
Her friends huddled toward her, hugging and crying.
“I’m so happy for you!”
At least some people were happy, even though there was a lump in her throat that felt like an insurmountable mountain. It was painful. Too painful to swallow. Her heart ached, and no matter what she did or said, she couldn’t bury thoughts of the vicious life she was creating. One where Effiong wasn’t her one and only for life. It stung more than a thousand bees, and she was bleeding, but no one noticed. How could they? They were too busy celebrating.
Her phone buzzed. The phone Effiong had bought for her the same day her old phone was stolen.
A text from Effiong came in—a photo Zainab had posted with the caption, “My girl is taken! We have a wedding to plan!”
“You said yes…”
“Effiong, please…” she started to type. “I love y…”
It was going to be the first time she said the words. But before she could, Effiong had said her goodbyes. “All he had to do was be male. Goodbye, Nneoma. God knows I loved you with all my heart.”
The drink turned sour in her mouth. Tee’s house spun.
“Effiong…” she finally managed to type. “Don’t do this.”
The messages didn’t deliver. Her heart missed a beat. No, she didn’t…
She hurried to Taiye’s kitchen away from the loud music and chatter and tried to call her, but it didn’t connect. Effiong had blocked her.
She went on social media. She couldn’t find Effiong.
Her lungs started to give way. She was losing Effiong. No, she couldn’t…
She couldn’t remember a time when Effiong wasn’t in her life, when Effiong wasn’t the one she adored. So why didn’t she choose her?
Tee bounced into the kitchen and kissed her cheek with the satisfaction of a man who had just won a trophy. “By the way, Effiong helped plan everything, but she called last minute to say she wouldn’t be able to make it. Please don’t be mad at her. I’m sure it was something important.”
She glared at Tee, the weight of reality crashing down on her. Everything started to fade into darkness. She was having a panic attack. From a distance, she heard Tee’s voice frantically calling out to her. “Oma! Oma! What’s wrong?”
***
Nneoma’s bones ached from the long trip back and forth from Abuja to Nnewi. They had just returned from family introductions. The whole wedding introduction thing had been a blur of regret mixed with irritation. She thought of going to Effiong’s house, but what would she say? Let’s remain friends? Were they ever just friends? Her phone rang as she battled with her house keys, holding back the tears that she had bottled up all day, when everything in her ached for Effiong.
“Hello?”
“Oma! Your friend is in the hospital. She has been calling your name.”
Her heart stopped. It was Effiong’s mother.
“What?! How? What happened?”
“They said she was drunk. It was a car crash.”
Oh God. Was she intentionally trying to die? Effiong didn’t even drink.
“Send the address. I’m on my way.”
Within the twinkle of an eye, she was running through the hospital lobby, making her way to Effiong’s ward. When her eyes fell on Effiong, she held her breath. Effiong, who knew how to fight, looked defeated in the bandages that held up her arms.
“Effiong…” her voice broke.
Effiong turned and began to sob. “Nneoma…”
They hadn’t seen each other in two weeks, and it felt like it had been a whole year.
Nneoma rushed to Effiong’s side and held her hands. “What were you thinking? Why did you drink?”
Effiong sniffled. There were a few bruises on her face, but she still looked every bit the beautiful woman Nneoma loved to stare at. A teardrop fell on the pillow. Then another. Nneoma reached out to wipe the tears. She was crying too.
“I can’t live without you…”
That was all it took to excavate everything Nneoma had tried to bury. To kill. She couldn’t live without Effiong, too.
“Please don’t do it…”
The door opened, and Nneoma withdrew her hands in the disorienting way she often had to whenever someone showed up in the middle of a moment between them. It was Effiong’s mother.
“You came so fast.”
“Good afternoon, Mummy. What did the doctor say?”
Effiong’s mother sat on the seat beside Effiong’s bed and opened the bag she came with, taking out a food flask.
“Some broken bones. What would I have done if she died? Ehn?”
The woman was crying now.
Guilt ate at Nneoma’s tired soul. This was her fault. But what choice did they have? What would Effiong’s mother do if she found out they were in love? The two women she watched grow up together.
Nneoma was tired. She would never win. Not when the love of her life was a woman.
As Effiong’s mother fed Effiong, she stole glances at her, drinking in the sight of her beloved. When Effiong wasn’t looking, she secretly took Effiong’s phone and unblocked herself everywhere. She would walk out of the hospital the next day with the nagging thought—marry Tee or choose Effiong?
***
Nneoma had always hated hard decisions. She lay awake all night, paralyzed by the decision. Her life was about to change, and she was just going with the flow. The flow she had created herself.
Please don’t do this.
Effiong’s words rolled over and over in her head. They felt like a dark cloud pouring wrathful rain over her for days. She had fallen sick after that and was only just recovering, but there was still that dreadful pit in her stomach.
“And do you, Nneoma Gift Okoye, choose Taiye Olusegun as your lawfully wedded husband…”
The words trailed off as she looked at the man standing before her. His turquoise suit was clean. His hair low. His smile eager. Anger simmered in the crevices of her core. Why couldn’t she be happy? Why couldn’t she love the love of her life and live in peace with her? Why did it matter that neither of them was male?
“Oma,” Taiye whispered, drawing her out of her thoughts.
She looked up at him and then looked at the officiating Pastor. The hall was silent.
Her mother sat in the front row, head high and shoulders stiff with pride.
“Do you?”
She took one last look at Taiye, and an almost divine clarity washed over her. No. The answer was No. Only Effiong could have her ‘yes’. It couldn’t be anyone else. How had she been so stupid?
“Oma?” he whispered again.
Nneoma offered him a smile, but really, she wanted to thank him for making her see that all along, she didn’t need the safety of him. All she needed was the fierce, fair-faced woman whose dimples made her world perfect.
She picked up her dress, shaking her head. “I can’t…I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
There were whispers in the hall. Some guests were standing.
“Nneoma! Come back here!” her mother called from behind, but she didn’t look back.
“Hey! My enemies have won! This girl has disgraced me!”
She stopped a taxi and hurried in. “Garki.”
She took out her phone and dialed Effiong’s number. Her heart was pounding in her chest. What the hell was she doing?
Surprisingly, Effiong picked up. “I thought I blocked —”
“I’m coming to you, Effiong.”
“W…what do you mean?”
“Will you marry me?”
“Stop joking with that, Nneoma.”
She smiled. She didn’t know what would happen now that she had made her choice, but she knew it was Effiong forever. Light bounced off the car window—whether it came from the sun or from something blooming in her, it didn’t matter.
——
Image: CoPilot