rindremanonmars
12-22-2007, 02:48 PM
THE US IMMIGRATION DEPARTMENT FOOD GUIDE TO GRANTING NIGERIANS ENTRY INTO UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
(EAST COAST / WEST COAST BULLETIN )
BY
STEPHEN LONEWOLF MAKAMA
PREAMBLE
A cousin of mine as recently held up for two hours at Atlanta Airport in 2005 by U.S Immigration Officials. It was not because he looked anything close to Osama Bin Laden [OBL…..UBL] or your normal run –of—the mill suspicious character. But it was for the purposes of checking and doubly re-checking certain aspects of his luggage largely composed of several culinary ingredients which his guardians had requested (as you know you can remove a gung- ho Nigeria out of ‘muther-lan’ but you cannot repeat, cannot remove, the muther-lan out of a Nigerian!), an exercise which turned out to be a very false alarm.
We all want to make the U.S Immigration Department’s job much easier, so here it is folks! The first authentic unpublished U.S. Immigration Department Food Guide to Granting Nigerians entry into the United States of America!
NOTE: This is an excerpt, to obtain in full certified copy, contact the author.
1. GARI: pronounced ‘Gary’
Gari, or ‘Garium Sulphate’, ’24 Hours’, ‘Soaks or Dry’
DESCRIPTION
Granular, coarse yellow, white or creamy, red in appearance, dry and crumbly to feel. It can be taken as ‘garium sulphate’ that is eaten dry or ‘24 hours’; prepared with hot water (called ‘eba’) and taken molded with fingers and dipped into soup (Nigerian of course).
It can also be eaten as ‘soaks’, mixed with cold to chilled water with sugar, milk, peanuts added as desired (not to be taken with a straw).
Immigration Officials free to taste without using sterile glove on, but do not take in quantities up to half or a handful (officials however can do so with plenty of drinking water at hand).
NOTE: Gari, ‘garium Sulphate’ is not a form of banned substance, so officials should not impound the consignment. Also sniffer dogs very welcome to try some.
2. KULI – KULI: Pronounced ‘kooly-kooly’, ground nut (or peanut cake) or ‘German stone.’
DESCRIPTION:
Comes in several variant forms;
(1) Pellet form; ranging from button size to silver dollar size in diameter,
(2) Cylindrical sticks with sharp tapered ends (or spiral shaped) and 15-18 centimeters in length.
Creamy white to brown in color, soft to hard depending on deep frying in preparation or exposure in drying. Firm to feel, can be taken with ‘soaks’ (see above) or plain, that is by picking between index finger or the biggest finger [the one used to make not too nice American gestures) and thumb. It is popped smartly into mouth, the sticks bitten onto, and chewed with the molars (Note with the molars!).
One may close eyes and savor rich buttery taste with tongue while chewing.
NOTE:‘Kuli Kuli’ as sticks and not a form of voodoo sticks or pungi sticks and Immigration Officials strongly advised not to insert it whole into the mouth (sniffer dogs will be delighted if offered). Do not also attempt to chew more than 4 or 5 pellets at a time.
3. ALUBO: Pronounced ‘al-lou-bo’, or cassava flour
DESCRIPTION:
Sparkling white, velvety to touch and stinks a bit (probably due fermentation process during production). Used to make ‘tuwo’ or ‘foo –foo’, this is taken with vegetable soup (Nigerian vegetable soup?)
I hate the stuff even though it constitutes a staple diet where I come from.
Officials may not want to check using the ‘Miami Vice method’ of dipping the index finger and thumb to taste powder (may taste icky icky yicky!).
NOTE: “Alubo’ is not cocaine, please. So no need for alarm. No need to call in the guys in Ninja suits – it is not haul!
4. DADAWA: Pronounced: ‘Dada-wa, or Dawadawa’, local Magi or Knorr, made from locust bean seeds.
DESCRIPTION:
Gray to black mass ranging from cookie sizes to small soccer ball wedge shape size.
Consistency: very smooth to bumpy.
Smells like dead rat, and used as a condiment to improve taste of soups [Nigerian soups] and local foods.
Officials may not want to taste it, will definitely mess up gastro intestinal system causing vile flatulation.
NOTE:
‘Dadawa’ is not a secret contraband brand of chowder or ‘gouda’ about to be smuggled in via Nigeria. Sniffer dogs advisedly to be kept away (dead rat pong could severely wreck their ability to sniff for weeks), also Immigration Officials should not unwrap packaging and leave exposed for long, odor may trigger off toxic gas alarms and cause a mass Homeland Security incidence.
5. KAMBAR: Pronounced ‘kam-barr’ or ‘cambar’.
DESCRIPTION:
Sun dried sliced sweet potatoes boiled and sliced
I tell you its sweet! Color varies from shades of gray with creamy luster, commonly comes in banana shaped, finger sized pieces.
Consistency:
Ranges from rubbery soft to brittle hard (brittle when exposed too long in the sun during drying). Eaten raw (as in already cooked raw) or cooked-mixed with palm oil and sprinkled with ground black sesame seed!
NOTE: Officials may taste ‘kambar’. Best to choose smallest piece, as beginners, which can enter mouth whole. Concentration of utmost importance as tendency to masticate tongue very possible, there is also possibility of drooling, so Immigration officials should not be alarmed. Sniffer dogs likely to drool too, so care must be taken so as not to alarm awaiting travelers as both dogs and Immigration official collectively drool.
6. SHINGE: Pronounced “Shin-gay” or roasted flying termites.
DESCRIPTION:
Roasted flying termites, wingless (sometimes headless, legless) small cylindrical shaped delicacies, caught live (on occasion of nuptial flights) and er…… drowned in water (Note: League for Protection of Animal Rights or C.I.T.E.S. may not want to be dragged into this- drowning painless… Hey- termite not animal but insect so…..) After drowning handful by handful fried in ungreased frying pan once or twice, wing, legs and heads some –times fall off and are separated from the abdomen and torso, salted and left to air for some hours to a day.
NOTE: Immigration Officials free to taste, singly or scooped by handful into mouth, however Immigration Officials may not want to eat too much as rich protieneous delicacy might play havoc with the gastro –intestinal system.
As pointed out already ‘shinge’ not listed on C.I.T.E.S. (Convention For Protection Of Endangered Species) index and also a legal food item.
7. KUKA: Pronounced “coo-ka” (letter ‘r’ silent)
DESCRIPTION:
Sickly green powder which turns gray to black when prepared as soup (Nigerian soup) in concoction with dried fish, oil pepper, spices etc becomes elastic sort of – ‘draw’ soup (you could suck a whole pot by mistake!) Disgusting and stinks a bit.
NOTE: Immigration Officials may not want taste ‘kuka’ and please ‘kuka’ not a powder form biological weapon [Colin Powell was referring to before you now…..] –absolutely not from missing Iraqi stockpiles.
8. BUNGA FISH: (Dried) pronounced ‘boonga’
DESCRIPTION:
Never have seen a live specimen or a dried whole, but gathered from intelligent sources and connoisseurs it’s pretty ugly and bony, [a friend once described someone’s girl friend to be ‘as ugly as a bunga fish’ so I guess the thing must really be a bad looking critter!]
NOTE:
Immigration Officials may want to rein in them sniffer dogs as Nigerian like to institute legal action should dogs devour merchandise, but most importantly dogs may require psychological counseling should they stare upon the head-face of dried fish for too long.
9. MADIDI: Pronounced ‘Ma dee-dee’
DESCRIPTION:
Wedge shaped food item, prepared by cooking half fermented sorghum paste wrapped in banana leaves. Eaten warmed and unwarmed (cold) with vegetable soup (Nigerian vegetable soup).
NOTE: ‘Madidi’ not a contraband item as banana leaf wrappings likely to arouse suspicion (Colombia is that-away…….) Immigration Official may take one or two home to microwave (with consent of Nigerian’s of course –see note of #8, first sentence).
10. DRIED RAT: (Yep the rodent)
DESCRIPTION:
Can be dried smoked or plain dried after decapitation and gutting, will look lifeless, dead and like a rat.
Can come in a do- nut shape or form or straightened out with tailed snipped off near last vertebra, in fact it resembles dead rat (which it is).
NOTE: Immigration Officials may want to go very, very, very carefully on this Nigerian usually carrying this merchandise…….. No puns, quips or derogatory one-liners, the quickest way to start a riot –food riot, any kind of riot with this Nigerian is to make funny remarks or try to prevent entry with the dried rat. Nigerian very passionate about his dried rat.
Immigration Officials may certainly not want to taste dried rat (although lip smacking) also keep dogs away and especially sniffer cats.
ADDENDUM
Nigeria is a huge geopolitical mass and with it hundreds of peoples, therefore one can only imagine the variety of culinary items obtainable.
This guide is only an over view and tip of the ice berg. The guide is however, a long awaited relief to teeming numbers of Nigerians who want to travel to the U.S. or reside there, but find ‘rare done burgers’, chicken Mc flurries, hot dogs, pepperoni pizzas or the proverbial apple and cherry pies a bit too light (and primitive) for their system (gastro-intestinal that is) and would want to lift or order substantial quantities of local food / stuff into such a hostile culinary environment.
Copies of the guide can be obtained from the author only for now, as high level negotiations between the author, Nigerian External Affairs Ministries, Consulates and Embassies and the U.S. State Department / U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Services to provide the guide in substantial quantity and at respective entry points.
NOTE:
Copies shall be made available in Hispanic and Spanish.
Note for sale in Canada and Puerto Rico.
(EAST COAST / WEST COAST BULLETIN )
BY
STEPHEN LONEWOLF MAKAMA
PREAMBLE
A cousin of mine as recently held up for two hours at Atlanta Airport in 2005 by U.S Immigration Officials. It was not because he looked anything close to Osama Bin Laden [OBL…..UBL] or your normal run –of—the mill suspicious character. But it was for the purposes of checking and doubly re-checking certain aspects of his luggage largely composed of several culinary ingredients which his guardians had requested (as you know you can remove a gung- ho Nigeria out of ‘muther-lan’ but you cannot repeat, cannot remove, the muther-lan out of a Nigerian!), an exercise which turned out to be a very false alarm.
We all want to make the U.S Immigration Department’s job much easier, so here it is folks! The first authentic unpublished U.S. Immigration Department Food Guide to Granting Nigerians entry into the United States of America!
NOTE: This is an excerpt, to obtain in full certified copy, contact the author.
1. GARI: pronounced ‘Gary’
Gari, or ‘Garium Sulphate’, ’24 Hours’, ‘Soaks or Dry’
DESCRIPTION
Granular, coarse yellow, white or creamy, red in appearance, dry and crumbly to feel. It can be taken as ‘garium sulphate’ that is eaten dry or ‘24 hours’; prepared with hot water (called ‘eba’) and taken molded with fingers and dipped into soup (Nigerian of course).
It can also be eaten as ‘soaks’, mixed with cold to chilled water with sugar, milk, peanuts added as desired (not to be taken with a straw).
Immigration Officials free to taste without using sterile glove on, but do not take in quantities up to half or a handful (officials however can do so with plenty of drinking water at hand).
NOTE: Gari, ‘garium Sulphate’ is not a form of banned substance, so officials should not impound the consignment. Also sniffer dogs very welcome to try some.
2. KULI – KULI: Pronounced ‘kooly-kooly’, ground nut (or peanut cake) or ‘German stone.’
DESCRIPTION:
Comes in several variant forms;
(1) Pellet form; ranging from button size to silver dollar size in diameter,
(2) Cylindrical sticks with sharp tapered ends (or spiral shaped) and 15-18 centimeters in length.
Creamy white to brown in color, soft to hard depending on deep frying in preparation or exposure in drying. Firm to feel, can be taken with ‘soaks’ (see above) or plain, that is by picking between index finger or the biggest finger [the one used to make not too nice American gestures) and thumb. It is popped smartly into mouth, the sticks bitten onto, and chewed with the molars (Note with the molars!).
One may close eyes and savor rich buttery taste with tongue while chewing.
NOTE:‘Kuli Kuli’ as sticks and not a form of voodoo sticks or pungi sticks and Immigration Officials strongly advised not to insert it whole into the mouth (sniffer dogs will be delighted if offered). Do not also attempt to chew more than 4 or 5 pellets at a time.
3. ALUBO: Pronounced ‘al-lou-bo’, or cassava flour
DESCRIPTION:
Sparkling white, velvety to touch and stinks a bit (probably due fermentation process during production). Used to make ‘tuwo’ or ‘foo –foo’, this is taken with vegetable soup (Nigerian vegetable soup?)
I hate the stuff even though it constitutes a staple diet where I come from.
Officials may not want to check using the ‘Miami Vice method’ of dipping the index finger and thumb to taste powder (may taste icky icky yicky!).
NOTE: “Alubo’ is not cocaine, please. So no need for alarm. No need to call in the guys in Ninja suits – it is not haul!
4. DADAWA: Pronounced: ‘Dada-wa, or Dawadawa’, local Magi or Knorr, made from locust bean seeds.
DESCRIPTION:
Gray to black mass ranging from cookie sizes to small soccer ball wedge shape size.
Consistency: very smooth to bumpy.
Smells like dead rat, and used as a condiment to improve taste of soups [Nigerian soups] and local foods.
Officials may not want to taste it, will definitely mess up gastro intestinal system causing vile flatulation.
NOTE:
‘Dadawa’ is not a secret contraband brand of chowder or ‘gouda’ about to be smuggled in via Nigeria. Sniffer dogs advisedly to be kept away (dead rat pong could severely wreck their ability to sniff for weeks), also Immigration Officials should not unwrap packaging and leave exposed for long, odor may trigger off toxic gas alarms and cause a mass Homeland Security incidence.
5. KAMBAR: Pronounced ‘kam-barr’ or ‘cambar’.
DESCRIPTION:
Sun dried sliced sweet potatoes boiled and sliced
I tell you its sweet! Color varies from shades of gray with creamy luster, commonly comes in banana shaped, finger sized pieces.
Consistency:
Ranges from rubbery soft to brittle hard (brittle when exposed too long in the sun during drying). Eaten raw (as in already cooked raw) or cooked-mixed with palm oil and sprinkled with ground black sesame seed!
NOTE: Officials may taste ‘kambar’. Best to choose smallest piece, as beginners, which can enter mouth whole. Concentration of utmost importance as tendency to masticate tongue very possible, there is also possibility of drooling, so Immigration officials should not be alarmed. Sniffer dogs likely to drool too, so care must be taken so as not to alarm awaiting travelers as both dogs and Immigration official collectively drool.
6. SHINGE: Pronounced “Shin-gay” or roasted flying termites.
DESCRIPTION:
Roasted flying termites, wingless (sometimes headless, legless) small cylindrical shaped delicacies, caught live (on occasion of nuptial flights) and er…… drowned in water (Note: League for Protection of Animal Rights or C.I.T.E.S. may not want to be dragged into this- drowning painless… Hey- termite not animal but insect so…..) After drowning handful by handful fried in ungreased frying pan once or twice, wing, legs and heads some –times fall off and are separated from the abdomen and torso, salted and left to air for some hours to a day.
NOTE: Immigration Officials free to taste, singly or scooped by handful into mouth, however Immigration Officials may not want to eat too much as rich protieneous delicacy might play havoc with the gastro –intestinal system.
As pointed out already ‘shinge’ not listed on C.I.T.E.S. (Convention For Protection Of Endangered Species) index and also a legal food item.
7. KUKA: Pronounced “coo-ka” (letter ‘r’ silent)
DESCRIPTION:
Sickly green powder which turns gray to black when prepared as soup (Nigerian soup) in concoction with dried fish, oil pepper, spices etc becomes elastic sort of – ‘draw’ soup (you could suck a whole pot by mistake!) Disgusting and stinks a bit.
NOTE: Immigration Officials may not want taste ‘kuka’ and please ‘kuka’ not a powder form biological weapon [Colin Powell was referring to before you now…..] –absolutely not from missing Iraqi stockpiles.
8. BUNGA FISH: (Dried) pronounced ‘boonga’
DESCRIPTION:
Never have seen a live specimen or a dried whole, but gathered from intelligent sources and connoisseurs it’s pretty ugly and bony, [a friend once described someone’s girl friend to be ‘as ugly as a bunga fish’ so I guess the thing must really be a bad looking critter!]
NOTE:
Immigration Officials may want to rein in them sniffer dogs as Nigerian like to institute legal action should dogs devour merchandise, but most importantly dogs may require psychological counseling should they stare upon the head-face of dried fish for too long.
9. MADIDI: Pronounced ‘Ma dee-dee’
DESCRIPTION:
Wedge shaped food item, prepared by cooking half fermented sorghum paste wrapped in banana leaves. Eaten warmed and unwarmed (cold) with vegetable soup (Nigerian vegetable soup).
NOTE: ‘Madidi’ not a contraband item as banana leaf wrappings likely to arouse suspicion (Colombia is that-away…….) Immigration Official may take one or two home to microwave (with consent of Nigerian’s of course –see note of #8, first sentence).
10. DRIED RAT: (Yep the rodent)
DESCRIPTION:
Can be dried smoked or plain dried after decapitation and gutting, will look lifeless, dead and like a rat.
Can come in a do- nut shape or form or straightened out with tailed snipped off near last vertebra, in fact it resembles dead rat (which it is).
NOTE: Immigration Officials may want to go very, very, very carefully on this Nigerian usually carrying this merchandise…….. No puns, quips or derogatory one-liners, the quickest way to start a riot –food riot, any kind of riot with this Nigerian is to make funny remarks or try to prevent entry with the dried rat. Nigerian very passionate about his dried rat.
Immigration Officials may certainly not want to taste dried rat (although lip smacking) also keep dogs away and especially sniffer cats.
ADDENDUM
Nigeria is a huge geopolitical mass and with it hundreds of peoples, therefore one can only imagine the variety of culinary items obtainable.
This guide is only an over view and tip of the ice berg. The guide is however, a long awaited relief to teeming numbers of Nigerians who want to travel to the U.S. or reside there, but find ‘rare done burgers’, chicken Mc flurries, hot dogs, pepperoni pizzas or the proverbial apple and cherry pies a bit too light (and primitive) for their system (gastro-intestinal that is) and would want to lift or order substantial quantities of local food / stuff into such a hostile culinary environment.
Copies of the guide can be obtained from the author only for now, as high level negotiations between the author, Nigerian External Affairs Ministries, Consulates and Embassies and the U.S. State Department / U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Services to provide the guide in substantial quantity and at respective entry points.
NOTE:
Copies shall be made available in Hispanic and Spanish.
Note for sale in Canada and Puerto Rico.